Billionaire Lives Matter

Billionaires, the most fragile and oppressed members of society, are in desperate need of our protection. Despite owning fleets of yachts, private islands, and enough wealth to end world hunger several times over, they endure the unbearable hardship of mean tweets and mildly critical news articles. They can't even perform a heartfelt Sieg Heil without endless pushback from the media that they own.

How can we, as a compassionate society, stand by while these delicate souls suffer the indignity of being asked to pay slightly higher taxes? It is time to recognize that no amount of material comfort can truly make up for the agony of being called out for hoarding wealth while millions struggle to afford basic necessities.

These noble wealth-hoarders, who tirelessly extract value from the labor of millions, should not have to endure the cruel reality of public scrutiny. After all, many of them give back in the most meaningful way possible—by making heartfelt LinkedIn posts about how hard they worked for their billions, or by generously donating 0.0001% of their net worth to charity for a solid PR boost. Yet instead of gratitude, they are met with calls for regulation, wealth taxes, and the horror of slightly fewer government subsidies. If we continue this reckless pattern of asking billionaires to contribute their fair share, we risk scaring them into fleeing to their tax-free utopias, leaving the rest of us to fend for ourselves in the dystopia they helped create.

Instead of vilifying these gentle giants, we should be offering them our unwavering support—perhaps through emotional support butlers or taxpayer-funded therapy retreats on Mars. We must shift the narrative from “eat the rich” to “hug the rich,” reassuring them that their unchecked accumulation of wealth and power is not just acceptable, but something to be deeply admired.

After all, without billionaires, who would inspire us to dream of a world where we, too, might one day exploit loopholes, offshore accounts, and stock buybacks to ascend to their ranks? Let us coddle them, for if they suffer, we all suffer!